Consent • Astro Theme Cactus

Added context from Hanna & Lizzie:

You’ve probably heard of consent or signed a consent form in your lifetime if you’ve ever had surgery, work done on your car, or waived liability at a gym. It’s crucial for us to call out that here, we are specifically talking about consent regarding relationship structure. Consent will look different in different contexts, but it is always an active choice made by an individual, regardless of how much energy they put into the decision.

When it comes to consent regarding intimate & sexual acts that you personally are participating in, we ascribe to the fries model of consent, which posits that consent is:

Freely given

Reversible

Informed

Enthusiastic

Specific

Outside of sexual acts, not every element of this model is necessary for consent to occur. One might not be particularly enthusiastic about consenting to a colonoscopy, but legally, agreeing to the surgery still counts as consent. One cannot reverse their consent to have CPR performed if they did not have a DNR in place ahead of time. One may not realize how dangerous gym equipment is when they waive their right to sue if injured.

When it comes to consenting to your relationship structure, ideally, all 5 elements of the fries model will be present. However, we posit that enthusiasm is not required to consent to a particular relationship structure. Some people may consent to a monogamous relationship to be with someone they love who is monogamous, even if their ideal relationship structure is nonmonogamous. On the other hand, we know many people who have begun their nonmonogamous journey quite hesitantly, and enthusiasm came much later, or not at all. The other four pieces, we do believe, are required for genuinely consensual nonmonogamy or any truly consensual relationship structure. We break down how each of those elements looks here.

Freely given consent to relationship structure: It is important not to put undue pressure on others to participate in a particular relationship structure. If a couple is monogamous, and one partner threatens to withdraw needed financial support if the other will not participate in nonmonogamy, we do not believe that consent can be freely given. This does not mean that in partnerships where one partner is reliant on the other, nonmonogamy cannot be explored, but it does mean that power dynamics need to be considered thoroughly when opening a previously closed relationship. An interesting consequence of this element of consent is whether folks who are pressured into monogamy by their families or religion have truly freely consented to it. By our definition, many people have not been given the opportunity to consent to monogamy freely.

Reversible consent to relationship structure: CNM folks can return to practicing monogamy at any time. Being CNM at a given time does not mean you must always be CNM for the rest of your life. Indeed, some people identify as “ambiamorous” which means they are comfortable practicing either nonmonogamy or monogamy depending on their life circumstances and partner(s). Some people love the idea of nonmonogamy in theory but, in practice, find jealousy too difficult to overcome. You can never truly know how something will impact their emotions until it happens. It’s vital for these folks to be able to withdraw their consent to nonmonogamy if they find their emotions are bigger than anticipated when they begin practicing nonmonogamy. This does not mean they can force their partners to discontinue their own nonmonogamous practices, but they need not continue participating in nonmonogamy themselves. Reversible consent to relationship structure is often not present in monogamous relationships, particularly legal marriage, in which many people agree to be monogamous for the rest of their lives. Legally, this consent is reversible through divorce, but conceptually, many monogamous relationships do not include the concept of reversible consent.

Informed consent to relationship structure: Similar to our earlier point on whether many people participating in monogamy have freely consented to it, we also know many people who participated in it for many years without being informed about alternative options. This is part of why we encourage monogamous folks to learn about consensual nonmonogamy, even if they do not necessarily believe it would work for them. It’s impossible to know everything about nonmonogamy before beginning the journey, but it is important to take some time to know the basics before consenting to a non-normative relationship structure.

Enthusiastic consent to relationship structure: We recommend reading Polywise by Jessica Fern if enthusiasm is not currently part of the consent you may have given to explore nonmonogamy. Her book is specifically designed to help people making difficult transitions in relationship structure, particularly from monogamy to nonmonogamy. It is important to note that even without enthusiasm, each person must still own their choice to consent to nonmonogamy as long as it is freely given, reversible, informed, and specific. Someone may consent to nonmonogamy for the sake of saving a previously monogamous relationship, and those choices are rarely enthusiastic, but they are valid.

Specific consent to relationship structure: Recall that we defined nonmonogamy as simply not limiting romantic and sexual entanglement to be between two people. This does not require that all elements of romantic and sexual entanglement must be shared to be nonmonogamous. Perhaps a couple only wants to share sexual entanglement but not romantic entanglement, or vice versa. When consenting to nonmonogamy, it is vital to be specific about exactly what elements of entanglement are not limited to be between two people. Notably, due to the somewhat ambiguous nature of monogamous relationships, it’s important to also harness specific consent even within the normative structure. For some, consenting to monogamy means consenting to emotional exclusivity, while for others, only physical exclusivity is required.