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Understanding Consensual Nonmonogamy

Couple’s Privilege Definition: When a norm is a choice someone can healthily make, or one can appear to fit into a Norm, that person has privilege. Because Monogamy is the Norm of our culture, when two people can healthily choose to participate in it or appear to be participating in it, they are said to have couple’s privilege.



Added context from Hanna & Lizzie:

People in monogamous relationships within the US exist within a culture that was built to support their relationship structure. Roller coaster rides, couples massages, the front row of a car, what do they all have in common? They’re designed for two people. In the US, many activities were created with couples in mind. Apple restricts photo sharing to one partner. Even the most progressive company holiday invitations only leave room for a gender-neutral “significant other” rather than “others.” See the monogamous section for more examples.



This presents a challenge for people like Hanna, who have been in triads. Who sits alone on the roller coaster? Who sits in the back seat alone? Society has created structures that make it difficult for people to participate in relationships with more than two people. Further, when they participate in activities that make it clear the three of them are romantically involved, they are vulnerable to public shaming.



Couples’ privilege can also apply to people in nonmonogamous relationships, particularly if they prioritize one couple over their other relationships. This is often referred to as “hierarchical,” where one person prioritizes one partner over others and considers them their primary partner, whereas other partners may be secondary, tertiary, etc. In this case, the primary couple can often have passing privilege. Passing privilege occurs when people can appear to adhere to a norm, even if they are not. The primary couple may also take advantage of legal benefits that our culture restricts to two people, such as marriage.



As acknowledged in our forward, Hanna and Lizzie have largely benefited from what is known as “passing privilege” for most of our lives. While we personally identify as queer and frequently participate in non-normative relationships, the world largely sees us as normative due to our male partners.



With so many social benefits to passing as monogamous, one may wonder why anyone would opt out of having passing privilege. Some people truly may not be able to be happy in relationships that are capable of passing as monogamous. Note that whether someone can healthily make a choice is somewhat subjective, and we’ll get more into that in the decision section. A lot of queer folks may posit that they cannot participate in normative relationships in a healthy way, but people around them may think otherwise. Generally, we leave it to each person to decide for themselves what actions may or may not be healthy for them. If someone claims they simply cannot participate in monogamy and be happy, we believe them.

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