I like to say I’ve been polyamorous since preschool because at 5 years old I was “engaged” to three triplets in my class. All three boys had crushes on me, and I liked all of them, so we agreed that the logical thing to do was for me to marry each of them. We planned to have 3 houses next door, and I would share my time between the 3 of them.
I had not yet learned the norm of monogamy at 5 years old, and when I did, it did not sound particularly appealing to me, but I accepted it as my only real option since the only examples of nonmonogamy I was aware of were monogamous people who cheated on their partners (which isn’t nonmonogamy for the record, it’s doing monogamy badly). As such, I didn’t date much growing up. When I got to college, I participated in what our school deemed “hookup culture” where lots of people had lots of casual physical, but also somewhat emotional, relationships. Generally, each relationship was disclosed to each new partner, mostly to ensure sexual safety. I had not yet deconstructed the norm of monogamy, so I mentally framed this as my “young, wild, and free” phase. I assumed that when I got older or met the “right person” then the desire for monogamy would kick in, and I would want to settle down.
After I graduated college, I attempted a monogamous relationship and found it deeply unsatisfying, so I returned to practicing hookup culture. It was not until a few years later when I was gifted a copy of “The Ethical Slut” that I realized monogamy is simply a norm and other relationship styles are possible. The first step of deconstruction is recognition of the norm itself.
Looking back, what we called hookup culture in college really was consensual nonmonogamy, but we had not yet deconstructed the norm of monogamy. Rather than acknowledging my alternative relationship style, I framed it as a precursor to the “real” relationship style of monogamy. In retrospect, I had many very real relationships during that time. They simply weren’t monogamous. I thought I would grow out of my practices, but it turned out that I actually was a grown up already that whole time.
Ultimately, after recognizing that monogamy was a norm, I determined that for myself, it wasn’t necessarily a healthy choice. Thus, I became intentionally nonmonogamous. Behaviorally, I had been nonmonogamous all along, but because I had not recognized and deconstructed the norm of monogamy yet, I thought of myself as simply not monogamous “yet.” I am still not opposed to monogamy at some point in my life, but I no longer see it as a goal state.